Incongruence as a Motivator
One of the many ways we are stressed in our lives is a result of incongruence. Incongruence is the difference between your ideal self and real self.
Some of you may recall this topic if you ever studied Freud and Self-actualization. Without getting too psychoanalytical I’ll sum this up as this: the greater the rift between who you are and who you think you should be, the greater the stress.
We are at harmony when our ideal and real selves are consistent. When we have a job we love and are proud of, when our family life is running the way we want it to, and when our actions are in line with our goals then we are congruent. Take a quick moment to think of the people you admire most in this world. I wager their lives are very congruent, they do what they say, they say what they do, and they are at peace with who they are. Congruence is indicative of personal and intellectual strength.
Incongruence on the other hand causes discomfort and stress. This energy can be manufactured and harnessed for good.
For example; a study was done on a beach in NYC where a researcher posing as a beachgoer laid down on his towel with his radio at his side next to an unsuspecting person (aka test subject). After a short duration he got up and left his radio unattended. A staged theft of the radio then occurred in plain view of the test subject. This was repeated 20 times and only 4 of the 20 attempts where hindered by the test subjects (20%).
Next, the same test was run only this time the researcher asked the neighboring test subject if he or she would “watch his stuff” thereby getting a verbal agreement to act and setting the stage for how the “ideal self” would act. This time 19 of 20 thefts were hindered (95%), several to the point of violent opposition (much to the dismay of the researchers).
This is a simple example of the lengths we will go to and the discomfort we will endure to achieve congruence. Now let’s go over some ways you can apply this as a motivational technique on yourself.
There are 3 levels of commitment you can make in defining your ideal self.
Small Commitments - Making mental notes, a promise to someone else, or even a todo list is only slightly effective but does serve a purpose and acts as a great stepping stone.
Formal Agreements - Having written goals, contracts, or discussing something frequently causes an objective to be sticky. These are far more likely to be accomplished then the previous small commitments.
Public Proclamations - A proclamation witnessed by the public and those we care about forces us to continually endorse a commitment. This is by far the most powerful technique.
Failure at any level puts us at risk of being viewed as weak, untrustworthy, or even dishonest. The more powerful the commitment the more severe this stress will become and in turn the more likely we are to follow through on what we decreed.
The final ingredient to using incongruence as a motivator is to muster up the courage to take action now. Decide what you will do to better yourself, write it down, and tell the world at every opportunity in your loudest voice what your plans are.
Accept the stress, harness the discomfort, and use it to push yourself to greater heights. Doing this regularly and following through will align your actions with your beliefs and bring you peace and success in all that you seek.
August 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
This is by far the most intelligent thing that has ever happened to your brain. Most of the time I look for reasons to dissagree with you just because I really dont like you, but this hit very close to home for me. Outstanding!
September 21st, 2009 at 9:43 pm
I hate to burst your bubble but Freud based his ideas on false assumptions and personal issues with his mother. Your id, your ego, and your super ego are made-up constructs of a man who’s rejection of religion and the embrace of atheism defined who he was.
The stress is not between who you are and who you want to be but between our sinful nature and God’s will. I know that sounds to religious for some but let me clarify for those who are not.
It is fundamentally about whether we think about ourselves(self-centered) or we think externally(higher power or our neighbors). When we think only of ourselves we are concentrating on our own vanity and own self importance which is not constructive or worthwhile. It’s only when we think externally do we find happiness and satisfaction. From helping a friend, saying a kind word, or giving a gift, it may seem small but it’s these simple acts that mean the most to us and to other people. Because we our thinking about the little things, we WILL think of the big things.
When is the last time someone who helped another was viewed as weak,untrustworthy, or even dishonest?
How many times have public proclamations rung hollow?
We don’t need small commitments, we need change. Change from the status quo. Internal change that’s focused externally.
Think about it.
January 8th, 2010 at 11:58 am
To average joe,
Shut up.
February 3rd, 2010 at 12:29 pm
You guys made me laugh!! I especially liked the “shut up.” Very classy. Now how is it that Bill and average joe are saying two different things? Yes, public proclamations can ring hollow (I should know-I’m an ex-addict) and average joe is right about getting outside yourself being THE way to happiness (the only reason I can say “ex”). Congruence is just harmony, which is exactly what Bill describes. Ideal self and real self must meet. Our ideal self is one that is less self-centered. Concentrating on our own vanity, our own self-importance has never been anyones ideal self and if it is they are truly missing the point and they will certainly be out of harmony. We are definitely not made to be internal creatures (that’s how we self-destruct). But, I also must say, the only reason I am still an ex-addict is because of accepting the stress, harnessing the discomfort, and using it to push myself to greater heights… oh, and making a public proclamation that forced me into a commitment. This proclamation worked, where it hadn’t before, only because I was ready to ask for help seeing it through. I admitted to everyone my ‘real self’ (very hard) and described to myself and everyone else my ‘ideal self.’ And here we are, all of us swimming in a fishbowl, trying to figure out what our ideal selves look like. It’s a process… personally, I can’t do it without God. If I did, I WOULD self-destruct.